Father Figure

i’ve shut you out of my life,
but your lack of independence makes me feel at wrong
Why,
You’ve showered me with accessories then
verbally abused me the next
“That’s how he shows his love”
 My mother tried convincing me,
worn out year after year by the words he had struck me repeatedly night after night
To wake up the next morning like everything was okay
And It wasn’t
But it was too late for me to realize that the damage was done
the conflicting slashes of words have already struck deep into the back of my mind
where it became hard to forgive
And hard to survive
And
hard to stand tall when the pedestal is unbalanced
My first steps to adulthood
became a mental challenge
“I love you”
“i…love you”…
Do you?
You’ve degraded me and put me down
but time after time you came
back around
to try and heal the wounds that were
already dug in
sinking into my skin
reminding me of the insults
you repeatedly told me
NO DAD NO
MONEY WILL NOT HEAL ME
You’ve used this method for so long it
lost all meaning
Luxury is not the recipe
You have to
NURTURE ME
I know how hard it is out there
but home is my solitude
Not a place you can
sloth around and bring bad attitudes
where you constrained us from saying “no”
Forced a habit to look down,
lack confidence in every word
That we’ve
ever spoke out
Where my voice trembles for fear of rejection
Because year after year the outcome was the same
He petrified my feelings,
left me to blame
that it was me who was
Too weak
Too sensitive
too gullible
So i learned to shut out my feelings, and only open it when I feel comfortable
But even when I AM comfortable
anxiety takes over me
my body shakes
my chest gets tight
it starts to get
hard to breathe
My dad
 was the anxiety of my life
 he was physically and verbally abusive
 Daggered insults into my mind like a knife
Then hit me like he barely even knew me
So every day was the same
get hit or behave
Because year after year the outcome was the same
He petrified my feelings,
left me to blame
that it was me who was
not confident
not brave
So I confronted his ass
every word spilled out and engraved
i stared into his eyes
while he looked down merely ashamed
His head never rised
When i found out,
things were never the same
“he is not your father”
My mother had proclaimed

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